A Collection - FINAL 4D Project

Dec 14, 2020
7 min read

A COLLECTION OF MY MASKS OF VULNERABILITY

In March, COVID-19 hit the United States, and we were all forced to quarantine. Since then, I have been collecting surgical masks. I did not want to buy a mask so I just felt compelled to keep growing this collection. I must admit in the start I had about 20 surgical masks! However, as life goes, I lost most to sweat, makeup, dirt, or just life, unfortunately. But these are the final six who have survived through the quarantine with me. I wanted to create something with these masks that portray deep emotions that I had hidden from the world and even those who are closest to me. I painted on the insides of the masks to symbolize the emotions, memories, and thoughts I did not want to show the world. I smiled with my eyes to make it looks like I was okay, but in reality, I was dying inside. I chose to portray each semester at Westmont on these 6 masks because this time has been the most growing season in my life.

PRESENTATION

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/41b77f_a47e23aec6b649538b2e22eaa0a5f69f/1080p/mp4/file.mp4

This is a image to portray me trying to carry all my emotions and feelings, but it did not end up working. It all just built up inside and ended up exploding for the world to see. Or at least, that is what it felt like. Feeling exposed and vulnerable was a difficult for me to feel. I knew in my mind it was healthy to feel the feels, but it hurt so bad. Were my friends going to reject me? Was I going to be alone again? Who was going to be there when I messed up again?

FRESHMAN YEAR SEMESTER 1

This first semester at Westmont College was the biggest high of my life. Every day was a new experience, with new people to meet, and new insecurities to battle. My mind was not only in over-process mode, but I was just stuff emotions down so that every day was a positive happy moment. Around Thanksgiving and finals time I started to overthink everything. I was trapped in my head and did not want to talk about some great pain I was battling. I felt like I was going to annoy those around me for verbally processing and just began to stuff away from my feelings. I decided for this first mask I would draw a picture of over-thinking/trapped in my mind. I wanted the head to be exploding with scribbles to portray how my emotions felt inside.

FRESHMAN YEAR SEMESTER 2

This semester I not only carried in my overthinking, but I experienced the rejection of a close friend and I could not let go of it. This whole semester I battled the thoughts of "you are not beautiful compared to ______" or "This person did not want you because of _____ about you." I had constant lies pouring in about me and due to not communicating any of these feelings the lies only grew stronger and louder. I had dreams that this person would come back into my life, hence the clouds around the hands. This was only a dream reality in my mind, but I had convinced myself that this was a real reality that was going to happen. I felt so ugly and rejected during this season, and it only grew stronger as I entertained the thoughts. I discovered later that I hid my inner world well. No one, not even my roommates knew my struggles or could sense my sad inner mood. I became pro at smiling through the pain.

SOPHOMORE YEAR SEMESTER 1

The first week of this semester I communicated everything I experienced freshman year to my good friends whom I was confident were not going to leave me. The lies were out in the open and exposed and could no longer attack me. Not the battle was believing the truths about myself.

Another big part of the first semester of my sophomore year was loneliness. I was placed in VK with a roommate who was opposite to me in every way. All the people whom I cared for were housed in Armington, which is not a far walk, but this caused me to get left out of many group outings. My typical bedtime during this semester was 1-3 am due to me trying to reach out to hang with any person who would accept me. If people were not available or I had a really bad day and just needed a cry I would go on a drive. Typically, I would go up to Mountain Drive above Westmont and cry out to God for help and comfort while looking at the stars and city lights. I felt so abandoned and alone. I did not have a friend group and never had anyone to walk to the DC with anymore. This semester stretched me to be more independent and reliant on God through the lonely season of life. The song "Real Thing" by Maverick City was my anthem for the sophomore year. It talks about God holding onto your heart and how He is protecting it. This gave me hope and reassurance that despite these growing pains, it was Him refining me and I was where I was meant to be.

I painted a girl curling up crying into her knees because this image feels really relatable to this season and how I view loneliness.

SOPHOMORE YEAR SEMESTER 2

This semester I ended up losing my roommate because she went to study abroad so I gained a new roomie who was everything I needed for this time in my life. she showed me that one of my biggest love languages is spontaneous adventures. I love just doing random things and filling my day with excitement and experiences. This was a semester of learning and failing, hence the image of the wave and the surfboard flying away. I fell in love with surfing in high school but started to pursue this sport during this semester of college.

This semester was a constant high, to the point where I ended up pushing away all negative emotions like freshman year. Also, the rejected feelings began to resurface, and instead of surrendering them to God, I pushed them away...again. I did not realize this is what I was doing. There was still so much hurt inside of me from freshman year and high school that I had not fully processed through to allow the healing to fully take place.

QUARANTINE + JUNIOR YEAR SEMESTER 1

In March quarantine was mandated throughout the entire United States for COVID-19, and everyone was sent home for the remainder of the school year. March up until now, 'identity' has been a personal theme for me. Staying home forced me to be alone with my thoughts and process through so many emotions from the past two years. I had to face my insecurities head on and wrestle with so many lies I had believed for so long. Coming back to school in the fall I felt more confident, stronger, and more stable than I had ever been. I had learned how to surrender pain but also to feel the emotions as well. God has been revealing to me in so many ways as to who I am. I was so lost for so long. I remember during my sophomore year we had a project in digital tools to create a personal brand for ourselves. I spent hours on Pinterest trying to discover what my image was. I had no idea how others viewed me. I did not understand how loved, cherished, funny, unique, and cool I was until I sat down and took the time to get to know myself.

The painted image on the mask is me looking into a mirror trying to figure out who I am. What is my identity? What makes me tick? Why do I say and think the way I do? Why do I look this way? These are just some questions that I had to process through and tried to portray in this painting.

JUNIOR YEAR SEMESTER 2

I know this semester has not happened yet, but I chose to portray a rainbow to symbolize the promises that God has spoken over my life. I do not want to walk into this semester forgetting where God has taken me and how He has faithfully provided every time. I wrote my name on the mask because I feel so much more comfortable in my skin; I feel confident in my name and who I am. In the last image, I am wearing the image on the outside for all to see to symbolize this confidence; I am not ashamed of who I am. This image was inspired by the song "Promises" by Maverick City. Some of the lyrics are:

"God of Abraham You're the God of covenant and of faithful promises Time and time again You have proven You'll do just what You said Though the storms may come and the Winds may blow I'll remain steadfast And let my heart learn when You speak a word it will come to pass

Great is Your faithfulness to me Great is Your faithfulness to me From the rising sun to the setting same I will praise Your name Great is Your faithfulness to me

God from age to age, Though the earth may pass away, Your word remains the same Your history can prove there's nothing You can't do, You're faithful and True Though the storms may come and the Winds may blow I'll remain steadfast And let my heart learn when You speak a word it will come to pass..."

The bolded lines are the ones that stand out to me and have impacted my heart the most. I want to remember His promises over my life because He always pulls through, maybe just not in the ways I expect Him too.